George and I recently simultaneously completed reading some great books (Shantaram for myself, which was INCREDIBLE and Why We Get Fat for George which he found to be extremely interesting). We always have so much to share and say to each other, and we often use the words “I wish you read this book” or “I wish you saw this film” and so on. So we decided that we would each recommend the upcoming book to read for the other person. This was a challenge, as we have both read so many books and there is just too much to share. After some long thinking, I finally decided on Harry Potter Book 1 (I know – out of ALL books, but I feel like it’s crazy that George hasn’t read one of the most read books in the world). George, being more mature than I am asked me to finally listen to Wayne Dyer’s live lecture on The Secret of the Power of Intention. I say finally because he recorded the lecture for me over 6 years ago, before we were an item, when we barely saw each other as acquaintances, and has been waiting for my input ever since.

I have procrastinated listening to these CDs because I have always labelled myself as a visual person. I tried several times to get into them, but my mind would always drift off and before I knew it I realized that I had not heard the past 30 minutes of the lecture! However, I finally decided to simply put myself in front of the computer, take notes while listening, and JUST DO IT! I have currently completed CD 2 of 6 and have no words for the gratitude I feel towards George for forcing me to listen and to Wayne Dyer for having the right words to guide me through my current life’s questions…

I would need to write a whole book on the lessons I’ve learnt so far. Instead, I wanted to focus on something I heard last night that really made me turn my life around and change my thoughts. I have been going through a bit of a struggle with my new role as a mother. While I am generally incredibly happy and in bliss, there are moments when I fall apart. I don’t speak often about these moments because I feel a little isolated when talking to other mommies. They always seem to be going through things so smoothly and any challenges that come up seem to always have a resolution in their minds. I, on the other hand, have been feeling helpless and confused. Dimitri is what many would likely consider a “spirited” child. He is full of life and has an abundance of energy. I understand and see the beauty in this beautiful baby, yet struggle with my own ego and selfishness when his “spirit” becomes overwhelming for me. You are told what a “good” baby is supposed to be doing. At his age (8 months) all I hear is that he should be sleeping 10-12 hours a night, have another 4 hours worth of naps in the day, and he should be able to self-soothe. When people say self-soothe, this apparently means that I should be able to kiss him, put him in his crib and BAM he magically falls asleep all by himself, without any help from me. I read these last few lines and just laughed out loud, because George and me know how far Dimitri is from these words. Luckily, he sleeps through the night. However, we have been challenged with his daytime naps so much that we reach our limits. I have spent countless hours at a time trying to get him to sleep. I give him a bottle, I rock him, I take him to a dark space, I sing to him, I talk to him, I ignore him, you get my drift. He is completely exhausted and yet, he will refuse sleep. I then proceed to give up, but he is miserable and cranky due to exhaustion.

All this time, I have judged myself as a mother. I have told myself that it’s my fault for not helping Dimitri sleep properly. I have reached levels of anger and frustration that I never knew were possible. And then, just at the right time, I heard Wayne Dyer’s words, and they COMPLETELY changed my perception. He mentioned something about babies which never really occurred to me. He discussed how every baby is born with a plan already in place. We do not create their spirit, their spirit is created way before they come in our arms at birth. That’s why there are babies that sleep through the night at 2 weeks and others that only do at 2 years. That’s why the baby that sticks his tongue out at you on day 1 of his life may be giving you the finger at 15. We are not here to “train” them and make them into “good” babies. What ARE good babies? Babies that are convenient? Babies that don’t take us out of our comfort zone? Babies that let us maintain our own lifestyle? “My baby is so good, I can go out all day and he doesn’t make a sound.” “I have the best baby, she sleeps 12 hours every night.” That’s what we hear, right? So when we say that we have a good baby, what we really mean is that our baby doesn’t really impact OUR lives.

All this to say that I have now understood that I have a beautiful baby. A perfect spirit who will express himself as he sees fit. And instead of judging myself as a mother and comparing my child to others, I will simply allow him to live the way he thinks is best. It may not be easy for me, but if I remember to always think in abundance and to try to always feel good, then it won’t be hard either. As if to prove that this theory is right, Dimitri has been sleeping soundly during his naps today. Maybe he feels my calmer energy and he can now allow himself to be calm as well.

I will one day read back on this entry and realize that Dimitri’s personality fits PERFECTLY with the words here. He will likely be dynamic, confident, adventurous and rebellious. There will be many challenges ahead in my life as a mother. But I must remember, as Carlos Castaneda puts it so well: “The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse”. I will have to always remember that I am an observer in Dimitri’s life. I cannot try to manipulate him, only guide him and admire him. And that, I will do.

Let the good times ROLL!