The Heart's Path

Third week back at work now. I cannot even begin to describe the emotional turmoil in my heart. What an incredibly hard thing to do, leaving your child behind and returning only 10 hours later. Having to stare at your sleeping baby in the morning and wanting so badly to wake him up and hold him before leaving. We’ve gone through so many highs and lows with Dimitri. This morning at 5 am, I stared at that little face and asked him what was wrong. Once again, he was up twice that night, crying and inconsolable for a while. I tried to look past my exhaustion and crankiness. I tried to find the patience to hold him for as long as he needed and make sure he was calm again before putting him in his crib. He was wimpering in my arms. His body was limp. What was wrong? He’s not able to use words yet to express his pains or fears and so the best I can do is simply tell him that I am here and he will be okay.

But will I be okay? I was stuck in traffic from the moment I left my house this morning at 7 am. I could barely keep my eyes open and I was crying every now and then, pitying myself. How can I make it through this day on such little sleep? How can I find a way to be present in my son’s life the way I used to be? How can I be that loving wife I once was to George again? Where did the old Jackie go?

I have come face-to-face with a new me. I am in some ways better and in some ways worse. But I have to embrace these changes and remain positive (or at least afloat) throughout all the hardships. My grandmother always said that God does not give you a heavier load than that which he knows you can carry. And so I will carry my burdens with love and pride. I have a beautiful child, an incredible husband & soulmate, a great support system in my family and friends, health all around, and a life of peace & abundance. Sometimes it’s hard to remember all this through the bluriness of sleep deprivation. But in writing this down, it’s apparent that my life is blessed.

The Happy Family - June 19 2011. Dimitri was one day shy of 8 months old.

I am slowly preparing to return to work in one month. It’s been an unbelievable journey and I feel the need to put in words what I have experienced in the last year.

While pregnant, I had so many ideas, dreams and convictions. I felt like I knew exactly what kind of mother I would be and I assumed that I could mould my children based on my master plan. Dimitri came to life on October 20th 2010 and taught me just how unpredictable childrearing really is. I thought I knew what patience meant until I was tested with a screaming baby. I thought I knew what endurance was, until I survived endless nights of sleeplessness. I thought I knew what love meant until I held my tiny son in my arms. How can we really know what unconditional love is until the moment we give birth? In that moment, I knew that I would be next to him NO MATTER WHAT. I forgave him for whatever future pain he would cause me. I whispered in his ear that I would console him in his darkest hours. I prayed that he would never need to feel pain, as unrealistic as that may be. I understood my animal nature when feeling that raw instinct of wanting to shield him from everything and everyone around us. Dimitri has forever changed me. For better or for worse, I am now a mother and I understand the magnitude of that word – MOTHER.

It’s unbelievable to see a tiny being in his first year of life. He has such a thirst for knowledge. All day long, Dimitri does not stop. He moves, experiments and touches everything. He is a human sponge, learning more & more by the second. George and I have realized that there is no need for TV or Internet when around our son. He provides the best live entertainment. We have also asked ourselves how did we get from being these miraculous beings hungry to learn and play, to these bored adults consumed with endless obligations and tasks? Where do we go wrong along the way, and how can we ensure our children don’t follow that path? Again, it’s easy for me to say that Dimitri will always be playing, he will be kept away from technology, junk food, and other bad influences. But how realistic is that? One day, he will come to us with the classic kid questions: “But ALL MY FRIENDS have _____, why should I be left out? Why should I be the loser? Everyone is making fun of me!” How will we handle such moments? One day he will thank us, but we will have to face many moments of him hating us before the thanking comes along.

This post is going off on a bit of a tangent. The point is to talk about all I have seen and learnt in the past year with my son. He has taught me that I still have a long way to go before becoming that calm, patient and understanding mother that I thought I would be. He has shown me what true laughter is when he pokes me and waits for me to laugh. He has shown me what fearlessness means, when he falls down and gets back up again to push himself further than yesterday. I have learned that my son is sometimes very afraid and needs to be held. I have learned that at other times he wants to be independent and doesn’t want to be touched. I have learned that I better watch out for all these cues or else he’ll let me know by either whining (that’s new) or crying (that’s been around since his birth!) I have learnt to stop worrying about what others think of me or want from me. None of that matters now that I have my family. Things that used to hurt me are now meaningless in the grand scheme of life.

I will soon go back to work, and my husband and parents will take care of my child for most of the time. Am I ready for that transition? Yes and no. Throughout this year, I have consistently lost myself by being a diaper changer, bath giver, food provider, comforter, and all other tasks that come with being a mommy. I often forgot to fix myself up for my husband, exercise, eat properly (or at all) and do other things that please me. I understand better why my mother (and other mothers out there) don’t know what to do with themselves 25 years down the line when their kids don’t need them anymore. So from that standpoint, I am looking forward to getting back into work clothes and combed hair, adult conversations, working out at lunch, peaceful moments with no screaming baby, and a life outside of motherhood. But deep down, I know how hard this transition will really be.

I won’t be the one picking Dimitri up from his crib in the morning and holding him close while he drinks his morning bottle. He will find more comfort in his father and his grandparents than in his mommy who is not around as much anymore. I won’t have the opportunity to sing to him when giving him his lunch. I won’t get to take him to the park anymore and watch him inspect grass and ants. I won’t get to stare at him for hours on end as his tiny hands explore the world around him. I won’t get to show him the world the way I always dreamed of – others will. I cry as I write this because I understand just how much I will miss him during those 10 hours a day that I will be gone. All I can do is show him my unconditional love whenever I am around and send it to him in spirit when I am at work. I trust the people who will take care of my child while I am gone. But can anything really be compared to that motherly love? Can any other human being love this child the way I do? I will be coming home and finding out the new things he did and I will no longer be the first one to see them, to experience them and to congratulate him for being such an exceptional little miracle.

But I am also relieved that we have made the decision of George working part time and taking care of Dimitri 3 times a week. He will be with his parents 5 out of the 7 days. He will be raised by those that conceived him and he will always know that we put him above many material things we could have had if we worked more. It’s one of the many conscious choices we will be making for our family and I am looking forward to the many challenges to come. Good and bad, this is now the purpose and the beauty of my new life!

George and I recently simultaneously completed reading some great books (Shantaram for myself, which was INCREDIBLE and Why We Get Fat for George which he found to be extremely interesting). We always have so much to share and say to each other, and we often use the words “I wish you read this book” or “I wish you saw this film” and so on. So we decided that we would each recommend the upcoming book to read for the other person. This was a challenge, as we have both read so many books and there is just too much to share. After some long thinking, I finally decided on Harry Potter Book 1 (I know – out of ALL books, but I feel like it’s crazy that George hasn’t read one of the most read books in the world). George, being more mature than I am asked me to finally listen to Wayne Dyer’s live lecture on The Secret of the Power of Intention. I say finally because he recorded the lecture for me over 6 years ago, before we were an item, when we barely saw each other as acquaintances, and has been waiting for my input ever since.

I have procrastinated listening to these CDs because I have always labelled myself as a visual person. I tried several times to get into them, but my mind would always drift off and before I knew it I realized that I had not heard the past 30 minutes of the lecture! However, I finally decided to simply put myself in front of the computer, take notes while listening, and JUST DO IT! I have currently completed CD 2 of 6 and have no words for the gratitude I feel towards George for forcing me to listen and to Wayne Dyer for having the right words to guide me through my current life’s questions…

I would need to write a whole book on the lessons I’ve learnt so far. Instead, I wanted to focus on something I heard last night that really made me turn my life around and change my thoughts. I have been going through a bit of a struggle with my new role as a mother. While I am generally incredibly happy and in bliss, there are moments when I fall apart. I don’t speak often about these moments because I feel a little isolated when talking to other mommies. They always seem to be going through things so smoothly and any challenges that come up seem to always have a resolution in their minds. I, on the other hand, have been feeling helpless and confused. Dimitri is what many would likely consider a “spirited” child. He is full of life and has an abundance of energy. I understand and see the beauty in this beautiful baby, yet struggle with my own ego and selfishness when his “spirit” becomes overwhelming for me. You are told what a “good” baby is supposed to be doing. At his age (8 months) all I hear is that he should be sleeping 10-12 hours a night, have another 4 hours worth of naps in the day, and he should be able to self-soothe. When people say self-soothe, this apparently means that I should be able to kiss him, put him in his crib and BAM he magically falls asleep all by himself, without any help from me. I read these last few lines and just laughed out loud, because George and me know how far Dimitri is from these words. Luckily, he sleeps through the night. However, we have been challenged with his daytime naps so much that we reach our limits. I have spent countless hours at a time trying to get him to sleep. I give him a bottle, I rock him, I take him to a dark space, I sing to him, I talk to him, I ignore him, you get my drift. He is completely exhausted and yet, he will refuse sleep. I then proceed to give up, but he is miserable and cranky due to exhaustion.

All this time, I have judged myself as a mother. I have told myself that it’s my fault for not helping Dimitri sleep properly. I have reached levels of anger and frustration that I never knew were possible. And then, just at the right time, I heard Wayne Dyer’s words, and they COMPLETELY changed my perception. He mentioned something about babies which never really occurred to me. He discussed how every baby is born with a plan already in place. We do not create their spirit, their spirit is created way before they come in our arms at birth. That’s why there are babies that sleep through the night at 2 weeks and others that only do at 2 years. That’s why the baby that sticks his tongue out at you on day 1 of his life may be giving you the finger at 15. We are not here to “train” them and make them into “good” babies. What ARE good babies? Babies that are convenient? Babies that don’t take us out of our comfort zone? Babies that let us maintain our own lifestyle? “My baby is so good, I can go out all day and he doesn’t make a sound.” “I have the best baby, she sleeps 12 hours every night.” That’s what we hear, right? So when we say that we have a good baby, what we really mean is that our baby doesn’t really impact OUR lives.

All this to say that I have now understood that I have a beautiful baby. A perfect spirit who will express himself as he sees fit. And instead of judging myself as a mother and comparing my child to others, I will simply allow him to live the way he thinks is best. It may not be easy for me, but if I remember to always think in abundance and to try to always feel good, then it won’t be hard either. As if to prove that this theory is right, Dimitri has been sleeping soundly during his naps today. Maybe he feels my calmer energy and he can now allow himself to be calm as well.

I will one day read back on this entry and realize that Dimitri’s personality fits PERFECTLY with the words here. He will likely be dynamic, confident, adventurous and rebellious. There will be many challenges ahead in my life as a mother. But I must remember, as Carlos Castaneda puts it so well: “The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse”. I will have to always remember that I am an observer in Dimitri’s life. I cannot try to manipulate him, only guide him and admire him. And that, I will do.

Let the good times ROLL!