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On January 13, 2012, we lost a very important human being. George Dritsas – my grandfather (my pappouli) left us for good. He has been suffering from Alzheimer’s for several years now, so we all knew the inevitable that was to come. However, no matter how much you prepare for death, it is never easy to face it once right in front of you. I received a call on Friday morning from my mother saying he was in the hospital with double pneumonia, but not to rush just yet until they had more news. An hour later, she called me back to say he was in critical condition and we should all go as soon as possible. I rushed to make it, we all did. However, he was already dead. No one was there. No one got to hold his hand and tell him they loved him in that final moment. No one got to send him off to that unknown place we will all end up at. No one had the chance to be strong for him, to remind him of all he was to us, to give him the love he so much deserved. Pappou was always a little afraid of death. From a very young age, I remember him hugging me goodbye every time I left his home and hearing him say: “if I don’t see you again, remember I love you.” He would tear up every time we left the house. He had such a strong urge to LIVE.
Maybe in a way it’s best he had this disease. I am sure it took away that fear he once had. I can only hope that he was at peace in his final moments and I hope that he knew how much we all loved him. I have such deep regrets at times, for the way we all acted towards the end. My poor grandmother did her best, but she sent him to a home about two years ago. She simply couldn’t handle the physical and emotional demands of my sick pappou. She wanted to be there for him, she just didn’t know how to do it on her own. From that point forward, we all detached. It was hard to visit him at the home, a place where there was so much sickness and oddness. We would all make up excuses and go less and less. We distanced ourselves from the man who was the head of the family, the Dritsas foundation. I always told myself that he seemed so happy & free there. No one constantly nagging him about what to eat, where to go, etc… However, the reality is that he was not loved there by those who took care of him. And how can we live without love? He started deteriorating quickly, forgetting faster and no longer being able to do basic things, like eat, walk, talk…
And now he’s gone. It seems unreal that he is no longer here. I console myself by thinking that now he remembers again and he can see how his life impacted so many of us. He was a good man and he lived an honest life. I will love him and remember him fondly. May you finally rest Pappouli mou and may you watch over us. Continue singing to us and we will make sure to keep your legend alive, telling our children your stories ofthe army, your love for Yiayia and your dancing abilities. You are forever imprinted in my heart.
I love you.
Your granddaughter, Jackie
Dimitri was born perfect. With each passing day, the world will taint him and try to teach him that love is conditional – that he will only be accepted if he conforms by certain rules. We will all take a part in this process, like it or not. I truly wish with my heart and soul that I could shelter him and remind him that he is a PERFECT being. I love him and George more than I knew possible. I wish we could live in a little bubble, protected from hardships, judgements and the stresses of daily life. I wish every day could be Sunday morning, where Dimitri wakes up, we bring him in our bed and we cuddle & play for hours. George would play the guitar, Dimitri would dance and I would sing. We would live out a simple little life, filled only with love & dreams.
There is nothing more beautiful than being a family. There is nothing more perfect than a child. There is nothing more important than holding on to every little moment and cherishing it forever.
To my dear son, Dimitri,
Just a few days ago, you turned a year old. One whole year has come and gone Dimitri. We watched the video footage we have of your birth and were so emotional. You – this tiny little 8 pound baby – changed our entire life. There is no way to describe the immense amount of love and adoration I have for you, my baby. You are so special, and I truly believe not just to me, but to so many people around you. Wherever we go, we are stopped by someone who wishes to admire you. Your smile lights up peoples’ lives. Your babbling brings laughter to those around you.
Your little personality is already beginning to shine. I find it fascinating to see how giving you already are. With no one teaching you, you have learned to share. When I ask you to feed me, you literally take the food out of your mouth and send it to me (I know, it’s a little gross but so cute nonetheless).
You also have a passion for dance and music. From about six months or so, George and I noticed that you would rock back and forth when he would play the guitar for you. We asked ourselves if you could be dancing. It turns out that it was EXACTLY what you were doing. You wake up now longing to dance. We take you out of your crib and the first thing you do is start snapping your fingers and bouncing around, looking for music. I hope you always keep that music inside you. May you always want to wake up and dance. May you always have such a love for life. You have reminded both your father and me of how important it is to celebrate and live!
Another love of yours is reading. Wow, what a thirst you have for books. I know it may sound odd to you, at just one year old, but ask anyone who knows you. I ask you where your books are and you run around bringing them towards me. You want us to read them to you, over and over and over. You point at the pictures, you stare in fascination as we describe the story, you flip the pages and are taken away to another world. I look forward to sitting next to you for the years to come and reading to you.
Finally, one last thing that makes me smile are your first words. I always laugh when I think of what your first word was, because it’s not your typical one. Your first word baby, is CACA! You say it every time you poop and laugh. You say it when you know something is off limits. You also say “kaei” and “kato”. Just recently though, you started saying Baba when you point to him. How exciting it is to be hearing your first words. I can’t WAIT till you also start calling me Mama – that will be music to my ears!
I love you. Those words feel so small compared to what fills my heart. I love you unconditionally. I love you for all your good and bad. May this letter serve us all as a reminder of your beginning passions and may you choose to follow your passions in life my son. You will succeed when you follow your dreams and your father and I will keep an eye out for all your childhood dreaming. Those are the best ones, the most innocent and true. May we celebrate many more birthdays together, as we did your first – IN BLISS.
 Dimitri's First Birthday
Third week back at work now. I cannot even begin to describe the emotional turmoil in my heart. What an incredibly hard thing to do, leaving your child behind and returning only 10 hours later. Having to stare at your sleeping baby in the morning and wanting so badly to wake him up and hold him before leaving. We’ve gone through so many highs and lows with Dimitri. This morning at 5 am, I stared at that little face and asked him what was wrong. Once again, he was up twice that night, crying and inconsolable for a while. I tried to look past my exhaustion and crankiness. I tried to find the patience to hold him for as long as he needed and make sure he was calm again before putting him in his crib. He was wimpering in my arms. His body was limp. What was wrong? He’s not able to use words yet to express his pains or fears and so the best I can do is simply tell him that I am here and he will be okay.
But will I be okay? I was stuck in traffic from the moment I left my house this morning at 7 am. I could barely keep my eyes open and I was crying every now and then, pitying myself. How can I make it through this day on such little sleep? How can I find a way to be present in my son’s life the way I used to be? How can I be that loving wife I once was to George again? Where did the old Jackie go?
I have come face-to-face with a new me. I am in some ways better and in some ways worse. But I have to embrace these changes and remain positive (or at least afloat) throughout all the hardships. My grandmother always said that God does not give you a heavier load than that which he knows you can carry. And so I will carry my burdens with love and pride. I have a beautiful child, an incredible husband & soulmate, a great support system in my family and friends, health all around, and a life of peace & abundance. Sometimes it’s hard to remember all this through the bluriness of sleep deprivation. But in writing this down, it’s apparent that my life is blessed.
 The Happy Family - June 19 2011. Dimitri was one day shy of 8 months old.
I am slowly preparing to return to work in one month. It’s been an unbelievable journey and I feel the need to put in words what I have experienced in the last year.
While pregnant, I had so many ideas, dreams and convictions. I felt like I knew exactly what kind of mother I would be and I assumed that I could mould my children based on my master plan. Dimitri came to life on October 20th 2010 and taught me just how unpredictable childrearing really is. I thought I knew what patience meant until I was tested with a screaming baby. I thought I knew what endurance was, until I survived endless nights of sleeplessness. I thought I knew what love meant until I held my tiny son in my arms. How can we really know what unconditional love is until the moment we give birth? In that moment, I knew that I would be next to him NO MATTER WHAT. I forgave him for whatever future pain he would cause me. I whispered in his ear that I would console him in his darkest hours. I prayed that he would never need to feel pain, as unrealistic as that may be. I understood my animal nature when feeling that raw instinct of wanting to shield him from everything and everyone around us. Dimitri has forever changed me. For better or for worse, I am now a mother and I understand the magnitude of that word – MOTHER.
It’s unbelievable to see a tiny being in his first year of life. He has such a thirst for knowledge. All day long, Dimitri does not stop. He moves, experiments and touches everything. He is a human sponge, learning more & more by the second. George and I have realized that there is no need for TV or Internet when around our son. He provides the best live entertainment. We have also asked ourselves how did we get from being these miraculous beings hungry to learn and play, to these bored adults consumed with endless obligations and tasks? Where do we go wrong along the way, and how can we ensure our children don’t follow that path? Again, it’s easy for me to say that Dimitri will always be playing, he will be kept away from technology, junk food, and other bad influences. But how realistic is that? One day, he will come to us with the classic kid questions: “But ALL MY FRIENDS have _____, why should I be left out? Why should I be the loser? Everyone is making fun of me!” How will we handle such moments? One day he will thank us, but we will have to face many moments of him hating us before the thanking comes along.
This post is going off on a bit of a tangent. The point is to talk about all I have seen and learnt in the past year with my son. He has taught me that I still have a long way to go before becoming that calm, patient and understanding mother that I thought I would be. He has shown me what true laughter is when he pokes me and waits for me to laugh. He has shown me what fearlessness means, when he falls down and gets back up again to push himself further than yesterday. I have learned that my son is sometimes very afraid and needs to be held. I have learned that at other times he wants to be independent and doesn’t want to be touched. I have learned that I better watch out for all these cues or else he’ll let me know by either whining (that’s new) or crying (that’s been around since his birth!) I have learnt to stop worrying about what others think of me or want from me. None of that matters now that I have my family. Things that used to hurt me are now meaningless in the grand scheme of life.
I will soon go back to work, and my husband and parents will take care of my child for most of the time. Am I ready for that transition? Yes and no. Throughout this year, I have consistently lost myself by being a diaper changer, bath giver, food provider, comforter, and all other tasks that come with being a mommy. I often forgot to fix myself up for my husband, exercise, eat properly (or at all) and do other things that please me. I understand better why my mother (and other mothers out there) don’t know what to do with themselves 25 years down the line when their kids don’t need them anymore. So from that standpoint, I am looking forward to getting back into work clothes and combed hair, adult conversations, working out at lunch, peaceful moments with no screaming baby, and a life outside of motherhood. But deep down, I know how hard this transition will really be.
I won’t be the one picking Dimitri up from his crib in the morning and holding him close while he drinks his morning bottle. He will find more comfort in his father and his grandparents than in his mommy who is not around as much anymore. I won’t have the opportunity to sing to him when giving him his lunch. I won’t get to take him to the park anymore and watch him inspect grass and ants. I won’t get to stare at him for hours on end as his tiny hands explore the world around him. I won’t get to show him the world the way I always dreamed of – others will. I cry as I write this because I understand just how much I will miss him during those 10 hours a day that I will be gone. All I can do is show him my unconditional love whenever I am around and send it to him in spirit when I am at work. I trust the people who will take care of my child while I am gone. But can anything really be compared to that motherly love? Can any other human being love this child the way I do? I will be coming home and finding out the new things he did and I will no longer be the first one to see them, to experience them and to congratulate him for being such an exceptional little miracle.
But I am also relieved that we have made the decision of George working part time and taking care of Dimitri 3 times a week. He will be with his parents 5 out of the 7 days. He will be raised by those that conceived him and he will always know that we put him above many material things we could have had if we worked more. It’s one of the many conscious choices we will be making for our family and I am looking forward to the many challenges to come. Good and bad, this is now the purpose and the beauty of my new life!
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