Third week back at work now. I cannot even begin to describe the emotional turmoil in my heart. What an incredibly hard thing to do, leaving your child behind and returning only 10 hours later. Having to stare at your sleeping baby in the morning and wanting so badly to wake him up and hold him before leaving. We’ve gone through so many highs and lows with Dimitri. This morning at 5 am, I stared at that little face and asked him what was wrong. Once again, he was up twice that night, crying and inconsolable for a while. I tried to look past my exhaustion and crankiness. I tried to find the patience to hold him for as long as he needed and make sure he was calm again before putting him in his crib. He was wimpering in my arms. His body was limp. What was wrong? He’s not able to use words yet to express his pains or fears and so the best I can do is simply tell him that I am here and he will be okay.

But will I be okay? I was stuck in traffic from the moment I left my house this morning at 7 am. I could barely keep my eyes open and I was crying every now and then, pitying myself. How can I make it through this day on such little sleep? How can I find a way to be present in my son’s life the way I used to be? How can I be that loving wife I once was to George again? Where did the old Jackie go?

I have come face-to-face with a new me. I am in some ways better and in some ways worse. But I have to embrace these changes and remain positive (or at least afloat) throughout all the hardships. My grandmother always said that God does not give you a heavier load than that which he knows you can carry. And so I will carry my burdens with love and pride. I have a beautiful child, an incredible husband & soulmate, a great support system in my family and friends, health all around, and a life of peace & abundance. Sometimes it’s hard to remember all this through the bluriness of sleep deprivation. But in writing this down, it’s apparent that my life is blessed.