George is the love of my life. I could not imagine a more beautiful person existing in this world. I always dreamt of what love should be like and as a young girl usually does, I had visions of my perfect future. I can’t explain how much BETTER my reality is than those dreams. There could be no greater love than the one I have for this man. I never believed in just one soulmate, but George has made me change my mind on that. There could be no one else who makes me smile, love, dream and be happy the way George does. We really are ‘better together’. In this long path ahead, the heart’s path, I look forward to walking hand in hand with the man I love. I anticipate making every dream a reality, as we have so far. My love flourishes as each day passes and I am incredibly blessed to know true love.
Our friend and spiritual teacher, fondly referred to as Father Neo has guided us through many religious and enlightening conversations. When George and I were planning to get married, we had many talks with Father Neo on the purpose of marriage and the eternal happiness possible. Although a monk and never married, Father Neo had a lot of wise words for us. He asked us why we were getting married. Such a simple question with what seems to be a basic answer right? We obviously love one another, we think of each other as soulmates, and we wanted to make a promise to one another of being there through it all. But the questions got harder. Why is the divorce rate so high these days? What happens if our paths lead in different directions as time goes on? What happens after the kids grow up? What will be the glue, the binding factor that will make us hold onto our marriage through thick and thin?
Father Neo speaks often of the Holy Trinity. He says that it is not only related to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, but that there are many trinities in life. He states that marriage used to be a bond between man, woman and God. The husband and wife always had a path towards God that kept them together. They were unified by God and would only part when God willed them to, generally in death. In this age, many of us don’t see this religious perspective anymore. We’re not really churchgoers and we don’t see the Bible as truth. We have slowly detached from the Church and from God as a consequence. Father Neo was okay with that. He said it’s fine if we don’t have God in our trinity. But he asked us the really tough question after that. What will be OUR trinity? What will keep George and me together, after the financial problems, after the children, after the deep passion, after the good and bad? Why will we hold on? I often wonder if Father Neo simply knows that there can be no other path but a spiritual one to hold people together.
It was interesting. George and I never really found the answer to that question before we got married, but our love for one another never made us doubt that we were missing anything. I still feel in my heart that I made the right decision. Today, almost 2 years after our marriage, George and I had a disagreement. It’s a fairly common disagreement between us that may lead to a “fight” someday. It could be that this disagreement will push the two of us apart. I questioned all of these things when he left for work today and asked myself if I could ever leave him. The answer was so simple – NO! I could never see myself hurt this man. The father of our child, the big chunk of my heart, the free-spirited angel, my husband. I will always put myself in his shoes and see where he is coming from. And although we may not have yet found that trinity and determined what will keep us together in our years to come, I know that I will always do my best to keep my promises to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. There could be no other man. He is my dream come true.
Sometimes anxiety gets the best of us. We pretend that things aren’t troubling us and we push them under the rug acting as though we’re not the slightest bit phased by the stresses that surround us. But they creep up on us. All of a sudden, we lose our appetite, we wake up in the middle of the night with what we pushed back in some corner of our mind inching towards us, we start exploding on our loved ones because they didn’t fold the napkins on the dinner table properly, we dread phone calls & e-mails because we know that they simply mean added stress, and we slowly lose ourselves…wishing we could remember what happened to that innocent being inside of us that had so many aspirations and plans on happiness.
But there must be a way to get rid of that anxiety that starts feeding on our spirit! I believe that all it takes is just a little action. Why would we remain anxious? Why let something linger and build up inside of us? Maybe it’s best to use the 4 d’s that I continuously hear about: Do, Delegate, Delay, and Dispose! If I were to categorize all my anxieties and ensure that I somehow dealt with them quickly, maybe I would start spending the rest of my free time on things that actually make me feel good! I would also feel less troubled if I had a system that helped take care of my issues that build up in a quick & efficient manner… If I am nervous about a presentation that is coming up, I should just DO as much possible by preparing and acting, and before I know it, it’s over. If I am worried about having another client added to my schedule, maybe I can DELEGATE that work to another manager. If I am so stressed about the dentist appointment that just so happens to fall on the wrong week, maybe I should stop whining and simply DELAY the appointment. And if I am anxious about trying to meet some acquaintance that ran into me on the street and now wants to go for dinner, a movie and a long walk, maybe I should simply DROP the appointment that brings me no added value.
I do believe that this may lead to a refreshing change in my life. These last two days, I was a nervous wreck. This showed in my physical appearance (worry lines, dark circles under the eyes, back pains due to stress, nausea, etc…) and in my mental functioning (cloudiness in the brain, heart palpitations, getting into little arguments with the love of my life, negative thinking, frustration, endless crying and sobbing, etc…). However, the moment I CHOSE to act and simply BE without worrying about my 3-page to do list and the last-minute emergencies, all these wonderful things came my way. I was referred for my ideal job, I had a wonderful talk with my love, I smiled more, I felt healthier, and I realized the insignificance of my worries! THAT helped me focus my energy on yoga, watching a movie, eating a healthy dinner and easing my mind… Isn’t that much better than spending the night by vigorously typing God knows what on the computer, not eating and sleeping with eyes wide open? I think so!
I cannot see. I am typing blind and I am so sad about it. Why is it that I am allergic to computers? Or is it work? Am I meant to be a flower child, a hippie, a bum? Am I meant to live a life of spiritual enlightenment and let go of all material possessions and “things� Am I living a life of routine? Brainwash? Submission?
Of course I am!!! It’s all because of a little emotion called fear. Where will I be without my big salary? Money is what makes the world go round, right? Why is everyone else working? It’s not like they’re stupid and I am going to be the smart one that quits. But what am I to do if I am allergic to my computer? Maybe I can go on worker’s compensation for this allergy… It’s quite clear that this will be a permanent problem though.
Ah life! Isn’t it interesting how things come about… The world keeps turning and I keep making choices, walking along my journey’s path and wondering if I have gotten lost somewhere along the way… Should I turn back? Start from some other point? Change paths? Where will these lead though? They would be prettier some of them… filled with travel, adventure, instability, sadness, happiness, fortune, loss, COLOR!!! Accounting is so “brown socksâ€, “white collars†and “gray suitsâ€â€¦ I want COLOR – lots and lots of color, flowers, plants, trees, sky, earth, stars, sailboats, wind blowing through my hair, freedom to move – hands in the air, songs, dance, laughter, peace, healthy energy around me… Where will it be? It’s not here, not in this little conference room – tucked away with beige walls, cold air and no windows, staring at my computer that is making me allergic.
It’s out there. In this wonderful world that God created I will find my colorful life, with my loving man next to me… Hope he’s willing to join me 😉
You gotta check out Charles Eisenstein’s blog on Reality Sandwich! Particularly his two articles on The Miracle of Self-Creation… simply amazing, thought-provoking and inspiring works. Read Part 1 as well as Part 2.
